I only wrote one script this
year. I'm surprised at myself when I say this but it just
shows how long it takes to do any major creative project.
The script was written way back in January for the BBC 2011
Laughing Stock competition. It is called
'just the two of us'.
I really enjoyed writing it. It was also the quickest
script I've ever written. A friend pointed out to me at the
beginning of the year (thanks, Michelle!) that the BBC were
running a comedy writing competition. I looked at the BBC
writers room website that evening and pondered over what to
do. In the middle of the night, I woke up and I had a
complete idea for it in my head. I lay there in the
darkness and developed the story, creating the scenes
and thinking up much of the dialogue. Eventually, I went
back to sleep. The next day, after getting up and
getting ready, I wrote out the entire episode. I wish
all pieces of work went go that smoothly! This comedy is
now with the jfl agency who liked it a lot. I've no idea if
it'll get commissioned, it probably won't, but I am
pleased with it. I think it represents a big shift
upwards in the quality of my comedy writing.
Here's the first scene in the car:
Pilot Episode
“Kit”
SCENE 1: CAR. INT. DAY.
PETE IS DRIVING. HE’S IN HIS EARLY FORTIES, WEARING A SUIT
FROM MARKS AND SPENCER’S AND A TIE WITH A HOPELESS KNOT.
IMOGEN IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. SHE’S THE SAME AGE,
WEARING A SIZE TWELVE MONSOON DRESS SHE’S UNSURE OF.
LIZ IS LYING IN THE BACK. SHE’S IN HER THIRTIES, WEARING
SOMETHING RED AND SLEEPING.
IMOGEN:
Are we doing okay?
PETE:
We’re doing okay.
IMOGEN:
Definitely doing okay?
PETE:
Definitely doing okay.
IMOGEN:
If we weren’t doing okay, you’d tell me, wouldn’t you?
PETE:
Would you want me to tell you?
IMOGEN:
Yes, of course I would.
PETE:
All right...
IMOGEN:
Don’t. I don’t want to know. Just, go quicker, okay? But
without actually going faster because that would be
dangerous.
THEY DRIVE ON.
PETE:
Hey, look.
PETE INDICATES AND TURNS THE WHEEL.
IMOGEN:
What are you doing?
PETE:
There’s a shortcut here.
IMOGEN:
Stop!
PETE STOPS THE CAR.
How do you know that?
PETE:
It’s obvious. We’re taking the A316 to the roundabout with
the A32 but we can avoid that if we go down here. It’ll be
quicker.
IMOGEN:
But we have a route.
PETE:
We have a route?
IMOGEN:
Yes.
PETE:
Is it like us having a song?
IMOGEN:
No! We’ve got a route which we know, well, I know.
PETE:
But you don’t want us to be late.
IMOGEN:
Yes, I don’t but that, that’s nowhere! That’s unknown, like
those caves in Borneo with the cockroaches and the birds
who make nests by spitting on them.
PETE:
It’s a road! It’ll connect with the A254 and it’ll get us
there quicker.
IMOGEN:
You don’t know that! You’re just showing off. Trying to be
clever. I should have driven.
PETE:
What and me navigate? You don’t like me navigating.
IMOGEN:
You’re a terrible navigator.
PETE:
I am an excellent navigator.
IMOGEN:
I hate you navigating.
PETE:
Because my voice is too even.
IMOGEN:
Yes.
PETE:
I tried different voices.
IMOGEN:
They were all terrible. Like lunatics or salesmen.
PETE:
Can we please take this shortcut?
IMOGEN:
No!
PETE:
Fine! Fine.
PETE TURNS OFF THE INDICATOR AND ACCELERATES. HE LOOKS
PISSED OFF.
CUT TO: THE CAR ACCELERATES AWAY.
CUT TO: WE CUT BACK TO THE INTERIOR OF THE CAR. A CHANGE
HAS OCCURRED. PETE IS NOW DRESSED AS A HUNTER/GATHERER.
HE’S MUTTERING AWAY IN AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE VOICE.
IMOGEN:
Great. He’s gone.
IMOGEN TURNS TO THE BACK SEAT.
IMOGEN (CONT):
Liz, are you awake?
LIZ:
No, I’m dead.
IMOGEN:
You don’t look dead.
LIZ:
It’s all the preservatives I eat.
IMOGEN:
Pete’s gone.
LIZ SITS UP.
LIZ:
Yep.
IMOGEN:
Men. Why do they have to prove they know a new route? What
was wrong with our route?
LIZ: Too easy.
IMOGEN:
He’ll start talking about East and West soon. He did that
on the phone to me once, trying to help me find a branch of
East. What was the point? He didn’t know which way I was
facing.
LIZ:
It’s built in, like scratching and smelling. I got lost in
the woods once, with an ex-boyfriend. He talked about
triangulating himself. I wish he had. God it was cold.
IMOGEN:
Was there snow?
LIZ:
No. We were naked.
IMOGEN:
Oh. (PAUSE) Which boyfriend?
LIZ:
I don’t know. The bald one.
IMOGEN:
How’s it going with Neil?
LIZ:
He broke it off.
IMOGEN:
Why?
LIZ:
‘Cos I nearly broke it off. His words.
IMOGEN:
What? What were you doing?
LIZ:
What I usually do.
IMOGEN:
What do you do? You must do it...You do it like I do it.
LIZ:
No I don’t.
IMOGEN:
You must do.
LIZ:
No. You like burgundy cardigans.
IMOGEN:
What’s wrong with burgundy cardigans?
LIZ:
Nothing, but that’s why I don’t do it the way you do it.
IMOGEN:
But.
LIZ:
It’s about exploring.
IMOGEN:
What is there to explore? There’s not much there. It’s not
like the Grand Canyon. It’s more like a vending machine.
(PAUSE) Don’t talk about exploring. I’ve got Mr Neanderthal
next to me. (PAUSE) Oh nuts. We’re going to be late. Are we
late?
LIZ:
You want to know?
IMOGEN:
Yes, I want to know. (PAUSE)
No.