Science warp at the BBC
Quantum of Bond
It’s coming, filling the horizon like a great dark storm cloud with a massive advertising logo stuck on the side. The new James Bond movie is out this year and I’m dreading it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a huge fan of Bond movies my whole life, from the dark weirdness of Dr No, through the snazzy kit and cool style of Goldfinger, all the way to the visual panache and charisma of Goldeneye. I even like Timothy Dalton’s ‘The Living Daylights’, which, if you give it another go, is a really enjoyable action movie. But I hated Quantum of Solace. I hated it with vengeance. For months afterwards, I made voodoo Quantum of Solace dolls and stabbed them repeatedly with home made stilettos (which originally referred to a thin dagger by the way, rather than women’s shoes). I cursed the name ‘Quantum of Solace’ aloud on moonlit nights in the centre of standing stones, hoping for demons to do my bidding and remove it from reality, or alternatively a Chthulhu-like beast to come from another dimension and suck every square inch of its footage into the nether voids of space. Either would do.
New comedy television script: 'Aftermaths'
I've completed another television comedy script. This one's about four male teenagers who wake up in their school library to find that something strange and terrible has happened, leaving everyone else in the world either unconscious or missing. Unlike more traditional disaster movies, they're not thinking about how they can rebuild society, help other survivors and find a cure for what's happened. Their main questions are 'have any attractive females survived?' and 'if they haven't survived and have become un-dead instead, is it okay to get off with one?'
Here's the script. I've sent a copy and an episode synopsis to Dominic Lord at the JFL agency who asked to read any new scripts I created. Last year's script, 'just the two of us', hasn't yet been commissioned but it's early days yet. I've also added 'aftermaths' to my scripts page.
Simon's Cat
Hmm... I think I'm definitely procrastinating here. Maybe I should go and sit in the reference library? It's cold out there. Don't want to move. Actually, I can't move because this conservatory is about four degrees above freezing. Fine motor control is one of the first things that go as a person drifts into hypothermia. Then they get sleepy.... zzzzz. Only joking! Anyway, that wouldn't make any sense. Why would someone type 'zzzz' after they'd fallen asleep? Then again, maybe that would be sleep-typing? Perhaps my sleep typing would be better than my awake typing? Is my conscious mind getting in the way of my creative flow? Am I lying in bed at night, my thoughts in dreamland while my body desperately searches for a laptop to pen a brilliant opus? That's embarrassing; as a writer, I'm better off unconscious.
This is definitely procrastinating. I did wean myself off playing with my new iPhone, well, fairly new, it was second hand but it's still got its internal compass, accelerometer and pseudo-GPS. I wish I had those things, well, I've got an accelerometer but I don't have an internal compass. Birds do. They've also got some kind of GPS and they can fly. So, ranked in terms of ability, it's birds first, followed by my iphone and then me last. Nuts.
I'm definitely writing a stream of consciousness blog entry here, like Jack Kerouac but without the magical atmosphere of late fifties jazz, bohemia, the wide open plains, friendship, exploration, sadness, disillusionment and, in the end, an early death. So this blog entry hasn't got anything in common with Kerouac's writing apart from its long, unwieldy sentences and complete absence of a plot. Hmm... need to work on that. Then again, this blog is probably a healthier version of Kerouac. It's not as memorable or inspiring but you'll live longer; sort of a Beat-writer lite. Low fat Beat-writer. Family filtered Beat writer. Tory party approved Beat writer. This is making me nauseous.
What was the point of this blog entry? Oh yes, Simon's cat; it's good. Time for an EMBED tag...
Doctor Who: Season six and my Tarditis
It was near the end of Doctor Who season six that I knew I'd developed Tarditis. Read More...
Sci-fi now competition: 'The film that scared me the most'
It was The Thing.
That wasn’t the scariest part. The Thing was scary, very scary, but the scariest part was that it was my first experience of watching a scary movie with my mates.
I say mates; looking back, I’d be hard pressed to think of a definite example in which any of them acted selflessly on my behalf. It never seemed to be like ‘Stand by Me’ in which the youngsters band together and face down fears and dangers because they love their friends. It was more like a prelude to The Road. They’re friendly and want your company but you realise that if they get hungry enough, it won’t be ‘you go! I’ll stay and fight them off!’, it’ll be ‘what’s the big deal? We only want your left leg.’
New Scientist caption competition - robbed!
The winner was Patrick Kavanagh with his line: 'No, we haven't had any Shakespeare yet. It's mostly just been Dan Brown...' Read More...
Sketch for Radio 4 show 'Newsjack' - David Cameron hires a zombie
Sketch for Radio 4 show 'Newsjack' - David Cameron cooks breakfast
New Scientist caption competition
Being an ardent fan of the New Scientist magazine, I couldn't resist entering its caption competition. The picture is as follows:
My entries were:
'Are you sure this'll be okay, Dr Jekyll?'
and
'And with that final drop, they had created the world's strongest espresso'
New Scientist are running one every week for four weeks, no purchase necessary!
The film 'Star Wars' is really about... conception!
Cyclists or teddy bears; who's the most dangerous?
Although the number of people killed in the UK by cyclists is around one every other year, she still feels it's important to send a message to these two-wheeled potential killers. The example she has given of a cyclist killing someone is a case where a cyclist hit a pedestrian who'd strayed into the road. To make things worse, he'd reportedly shouted at her 'I'm not going to stop!' before he hit her. Read More...
Just the two of us - TV comedy script
Carry a Rubber Ball. Make it part of your healthy lifestyle!
The power of 'up to'
Are we missing something here? Are these companies, with their skilled and experienced staff, pointing us in a new direction? If using ‘up to’ is such a gold mine, should we be trying to use it in aspects of our own lives? Maybe the power of ‘up to’ can be used in our emotional relationships?
Read More...The Utter horror of the 'three for two' offer
Film tie-ins aside, I picked up the two books by Lindqvist that I wanted. Sorted! I could go home and have a cup of tea. Then I spotted something. Sitting prominently on the front cover of both books was a sticker marked ‘3 for 2’. Oh. That’s good, I thought. I have two books I want. I can pick up a third for nothing. I looked around casually. There were lots of ‘3 for 2’ books on the tables around. I’ll definitely want one of those.
The only thing was, each one I spotted I didn’t want.
Read More...How owning a DVD ruined my evening
Then a grim truth hit me. I already owned an 'Indiana Jones and the last crusade' DVD. There was no need to wait until wednesday evening. I could watch it whenever I liked.
I was completely deflated. Weird, isn't it? Read More...
Lycra louts and trouser suits
One phrase that has puzzled me in recent years is ‘lycra louts’. It is used regularly and with a fair amount of emotion but I really don't know why. I can understand ‘lager louts’ since drinking lots of lager can make the best of us into anti-social idiots. But why do people demonise cyclists wearing clothing that reduces chafing? If anything, you’d think it would be the opposite way around. The cyclists without the lycra would be the menace. If I cycled for four hours in damp underwear that had been rubbing itself against my sensitive areas with all the delicate softness of a cheese grater, I would scream and shout if someone got in my way. But it’s the opposite. Read More...