Sketch for Radio 4 show 'Newsjack' - David Cameron cooks breakfast

Here's a script I've sent to the Radio 4 Newsjack programme, a snippet of political satire...

(FX: KITCHEN SOUNDS)

Samantha

David, you were wonderful last week at the Conservative Party conference, so dynamic and decisive.

David
Thank you, darling. Sitting here at this kitchen table with you, like so many families in our great country, I feel proud to have had that opportunity.

Samantha
(PAUSE) Talking of opportunities, darling, you said you were going to cook breakfast this morning.

David
I did. I did. I made a commitment to cook breakfast every thursday morning and I’m going to stick to that.

Samantha
Wonderful! (PAUSE) So, what are you going to cook?

David
(PAUSE) Let’s not get bogged down in specifics. I can’t make a commitment to any particular food item at this point. The fridge will need to be opened and it will be opened but I don’t want to undermine that process by making knee-jerk, naive statements at this time.

Samantha
We could have toast.

David
Let me just say, darling, that we have a hard time ahead. We’ve inherited a kitchen that is in a terrible state. The previous owners saddled us with a ding on the cooker and a terrible choice of cupboard handles. The cupboard is bare!

Samantha
No, there’s some bread.

David
What we have is opportunity.

Samantha
And eggs.

David
And eggs. We have eggs. That’s what makes this country great. Britain will always have eggs. That’s what helps us stand up and hold our heads high through adversity. It is rarely easy and sometimes it’s downright hard but if we can pull together and show the quality of our eggs to the rest of the world...

Samantha
I’m getting hungry, David! What I’d really like is...

David
Change, yes! Change. That’s what I’ve been wanting ever since 6am this morning. Change and a new kitchen, a new way of looking at our kitchen.

Samantha
I don’t want change! I want toast, and scrambled eggs and cooked tomatoes and some mushrooms and a little pot of yoghurt and some tea.

David
I want that too. People up and down this country want that. They deserve that but this is a time of austerity. Can we really afford, this morning, in our common-or-garden six-bedroomed detached Tudor manor house, to turn on that toaster?

Samantha
Yes! (PAUSE) For goodness sake, Why don’t we just phone Rupert and ask him?

David
Okay.